Grumpy Old Men

John and Max are elderly men living next door to each other. They're continuously arguing and insulting each other, and have been this way for over 50 years. One day, Ariel, moves into the street. Both men are attracted to her, and their rivalry steps up a gear.

Leading cast

Soundclips

For some great Grumpy Old Men soundclips, visit MovieSounds.com.

Quotes

Ariel: Gay or straight?
John: Huh?
Ariel: Heterosexual or homosexual?
John: Geez Louise!
Ariel: Well, it's a perfectly legitimate question.
John: Well, maybe in California, but here in Minnesota.. Who-ho-ho-ho!

Max: Good morning, dickhead.
John: Hello, moron.

Max: Up yours, Gustafson!
Jacob: Pop..
Max: He started it!

Mr. Snyder: Have you seen mister Gustafson?
John: Eh, no, no, sorry.
Max: Mister John Gustafson?
Mr. Snyder: That's right.
Max: You mean the lowlife, asswipe, eggsucker John Gustafson?
Mr. Snyder: Have you seen him?
Max: That man's crazy. Loco. Always hanging out around those kinky strip bars. You know the ones where the men take their clothes off. That's of course if he's taken his medication.
Mr. Snyder: Medication?
Max: Yes, without it he could be anywhere. Wandering around talking to trees. Believe me, this man is a menace. Always drinking, starting fights.
Mr. Snyder But have you seen him?
John: No.
Max: I think... perhaps... Erm... no.

Grandpa: Kids; Can't live with them, can't shoot them.

Grandpa: How are you, Punky?
Punky: Hey, buttercup.
Grandpa: Give me two packs of Camels and a cup of your special coffee, you love muffin.
John: You're supposed to be smokin' filtered cigarettes, Pop.
Grandpa: Yeah, well, I'm 94 years old. What the hell do I care, huh?

John: Oh, did you hear? Someone moved into the Clickner place. A woman.
Grandpa: A woman? Did you mount her?
John: Oh, dad!
Grandpa: Does she have big thighs?
John: No.
Grandpa: No?! Then what's the problem? If I was a young fellow like you, I'd be mounting every woman in Wabasha.

Melanie: C'mon Dad, you're a handsome eligible guy, you've got a nice house, a good pension, you've got a lot to offer her.
Grandpa: Well, I've got somethin' to offer her! Rowrrr-rowrrr!

John: You wanna clock me? You think you can take me? Come on.
Max: All right. 1937, at Todd Field, I kicked your ass after football practice when you stole my liniment.
John: You kicked my ass? I kicked your ass...
Max: Bullshit.
John: And I can do it again.
Max: Give it your best shot, shrimp!
John: ... It's not worth the effort.
Max: Get out of there.

Mr. Snyder: Beautiful day, mister Goldman!
Max: Hey Snyder! Why don't you do the world a favor and pull your lip over your head and swallow? Hehehe.
Mr. Snyder: Hehehe. Asshole.
Max: Bloodsuckers.